Archive for April, 2008

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Disney Animation 2009: The Princess and the Frog

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

In Christmas 2009, Disney returns to traditional animation (they were just kidding when they said traditional animation was through and fired everyone) with The Princess and the Frog, a timeless tale based on one of the few recognizable fairytales Disney hasn’t made a feature film out of yet.

As in the original tale, Princess takes place in New Orleans, where a voodoo princess finds love in the form of a frog that has escaped from the clutches of a group of drunken gumbo chefs. The frog is unhappy because continued repairs in the city are draining the water that he has come to love and raised the walls around the city, making it harder for him to get back to the river after collecting his allotment of Mardi Gras beads. Will the princess be able to help him? Will she kiss him? Will there be singing without meaningful context?

Oh, probably.

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“it’s a small world” open — with complaints

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Two days ago, the new “it’s a small world” attraction opened at Hong Kong Disneyland, amidst much publicity and, it turns out, controversy. The ride was meant to boost park attendance, but if initial complaints are any indication, guests may be staying away form the shiny new attraction in droves.

Said one guest supposedly chosen at random, “There are just too many children, those little singing dolls. They get in the way so that it is hard to see all the wonderful Disney character figures that are the heart of this attraction.”

Some guests thought that the attraction was not unique enough. “This is just a copy of the ride at Disneyland,” said one guest. “Even the clock is set to California time, which can be confusing.”

A visitor from mainland China writes, “I am completely loyal to the party! Please do not arrest me or shut down my blog! Long live China! Please!!!!”

Disney representatives were unavailable for comment, but kind of rolled their eyes when they caught us looking at them.

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Disney Animation 2009: Toy Story 3D

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Although by the title you might think that this is Toy Story 3, it isn’t. Instead, it’s Pixar’s original Toy Story with a special pair of glasses and the letters “3D” appended to the title. The movie still tells the story of how jealous cowboy doll Woodie (Tom Hanks) attempts to murder sweet, innocent, handyman spaceman Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), only to be thrown out of the house by his one-time friends and forced to live in exile on a desert island with no companionship but that of a ball that he names Wilson (“because ‘Friday’ is taken).

The rerelease of this film in 3D is scheduled for October 2, 2009, to coincide with the conversion of the original Disneyland to 3D.

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Disney Animation 2009: Up

Monday, April 28th, 2008

This Pixar film, slated for release May 29, 2009, tells the story of Carl Fredercksen (Ed Asner) who has lived a hard-working life dreaming of escaping the newsroom he manages and traveling the Earth, getting drunk in taverns all over the country. But at age 78, Carl doesn’t have much chance of living his dream — or does he?

But then Russell (played by newcomer Jordan “Grape” Nehi), a Wilderness Explorer (sort of a Boy Scout/Junior Woodchuck hybrid) stops by the see if Carl would be interested in buying a few boxes of his Explorer Cookies. The two soon discover that the sugared dried fruit in the cookies can be fermented into a delightful adult beverage, and their subsequent flight from authorities takes them across the globe in an epic of drunken proportions.

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Chip in trouble

Monday, April 28th, 2008

Last month we reported on complaints that certain Disney characters weren’t keeping their performances up to date, and used a photograph of Chip as an example. Word has come to us through certain back-alley sources that the usually jolly chimpmunk has taken recent criticism quite hard. This rumor is supported by a photograph our Official DisneyLies Photo Correspondent happened to snap only yesterday of Chip surprising guests by wandering out from back stage in what can only be referred to as “not show ready” condition.

Drunk Chip

Poor Chip!

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Disney Animation 2008: Tinker Bell

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

The first of four direct-to-video features centered on Peter Pan’s beloved Tinker Bell, this first film tells the story of how Tink uses her powers to help her enemy Antonio transport his friend Bassanio to a far off land when he can pick up his new Porsche. But when Antonio goes back on his word, she demands a pound of pixie dust for her trouble — an amount that, if Antonio gave it to her, would surely kill him.

The plot is complicated by the fact that most of the fairy kingdom is composed of nature fairies who look down on Tink’s tinkering powers, and because of this don’t give her much of a chance in the films climactic court scene.

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Disney Animation 2008: Bolt

Saturday, April 26th, 2008

Disney’s 2008 Christmas release will hit the big screen this year just before Thanksgiving. The story revolves around title character Bolt (voiced by John Travolta), a dog who is a big star first in a TV sitcom in then in disco-themed movies. But Bolt falls on hard times — his career is in the dumps and he can’t get a job bigger than providing voiceovers for puppies that are to young to speak for themselves.

Then one day Bolt is approached by a member of the Church of Smellatology, a group that says they all dogs’ problems are related to ancient smells left behind by space-alien dogs that were dumped into volcanoes thousands of years ago. Bolt joins their crazy cult and is almost immediately contacted by long-time fan and director Quentin Terrier who asks him to costar in a new film, Pup Fiction. The film is a huge success (largely due to a cult following that enjoys Terrier’s dialog — particularly Bolt’s speech about what dog biscuits are called in France) and Bolt is back on top

Or is he? You see, the Church of Smellatology is demanding that Bold make a film of their leader’s novel Boneyard Earth, and there’s a new Smellatologist star on the horizon — the rambling, couch-jumping Jet (voiced by Tom Cruise).

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Disney Animation 2008: WALL*E

Friday, April 25th, 2008

WALL*E, Pixar’s next animated feature, is scheduled to be released on June 27 at the 28th Annual Vegas Appliance Convention. The film stars voice actors Kenny Baker as the title character, and Sigourney Weaver as a spaceship crewmember desperately trying to convince everyone that WALL*E has acid for blood and is threatening to eat her cat.

Despite its rudimentary capitalization and unconventional punctuation, WALL*E is predicted to be a big hit with robots, androids, Al Gore, and the like. In fact, even though the movie is yet to be released, demand for WALL*E toys is so high that you likely won’t find a single on at your local Disney store (and, if you wait a little longer, you may not find your local Disney store in your local Disney store, either).

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Intense film buildup

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Breaking the intense wall of silence that prevents anyone from finding out anything about future productions without the use of the Internet, Disney has announced the titles and contents of its ten next animated features. The announcement was made on April 8 by Dick Cook, chairman of Walt Disney Studios, and John Lasseter, a god-like figure who literally glows with goodness so bright that he is painful to look at directly.

Said Cook, “I am very proud of these upcoming features, and am confident that they will meet all Disney-fan expectations, largely because executives such as myself are staying out of the process as much as possible.”

“I have to lock him in a closet sometimes,” added Lasseter as he was fed delicate pealed grapes by darling flying cherubs. “They’re great people and just want to help, but really — it’s for the best.”

Over the coming days, DisneyLies will synopsise each of these films (assuming that’s even a real word) for your enjoyment, entertainment, and disinformation. Stay tooned (sic.)!

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Back to Nature

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

In 1948, Disney began making a series of nature documentaries under the heading “True Life Adventures,” and they have churned out these marvels of nature continuously ever since (with only a brief hiatus from 1960 through 2007 when someone misplaced the company’s National Parks Service permission slip). Most fans will remember the first True Life Adventure, Stud Goat Nellie (the first nature film with synchronized animal sounds), in which such sights as a hand-cranked musical cow and a mouse operating a steamboat appeared on firm for the first time.

Disney has announced that they are renaming the True Life Adventures series. According to Babe Pigflinger, a hallucinatory Disney spokesanimal, “The new title, Disneynature, leaves out the ‘true life’ moniker so that our storytelling is not hampered by slavish attachment to reality. But the inclusion of the word ‘nature’ proves that the documentaries have not in any way been ‘de-natured’ by the change. Get it?”

According to Walt Disney Studios chairman Duck Crock, the newly renamed series will be under the direction of Chimp-Francois Calamari, a French guy, and will be produced in France “to be closer to nature.” Disney CEO Rodent Tiger stands completely behind this project, ready to pounce if necessary, but Calamari is not concerned, saying, “Tiger is a good man who can jump 20 feet, but I am safe because I am only 10 feet away from him so he’ll go right over my head and maul my boss.”

Among the features currently in production:

  • Earth (feature-length study of dirt)
  • The Crimson King (in-depth look at the things living in Stephen King’s imagination)
  • Oceans (stalking the stars of Oceans 11, Oceans 12, etc., in their natural habitat)
  • Orangutans (how long does it take an orange to get a tan?)
  • Big Cats (Rosey Grier, Isaac Hayes, Samuel Jackson, etc.)
  • Naked Beauty (Uma Thurman, Angelina Jolie, Samuel Jackson, etc.)
  • Chimpanzee (the wacky adventurers of mismatched truckers Chimp and Zee)
  • Lemming Flingers (nature documentary filmmakers at work and play)

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