Archive for January, 2008

Haunted Mansion (PC Version)

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Apparently, the behavior of cast members in the entrance and stretching-room loading areas of Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion has lead to numerous (well, two) complaints. The complaints include accusations of the cast members’ speeches being insensitive to the handicapped. For example, the loading instruction, “For the best view of the gallery, please drag your bodies to the dead center of the room” may be seen as insulting to the blind (because they can’t “view”), those in wheelchairs (because they can’t “drag”), to the recently deceased (because they’re “dead”), and to the disoriented (because they can’t find the “center of the room”).

To address this problem, Imagineers are developing a script for the entrance area, which cast members will be required to rigidly stick to. The new script is being developed in conjunction with experienced cast members from the park’s most dialogue-intensive attraction, the Jungle Cruise. It is expected that the new dialogue will be much more entertaining than the current, unapproved dialogue. Some lines currently under consideration:

  • “Here are paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state — namely Florida.”
  • “They say that if the rope breaks the corpse hanging in the attic could fall 20 feet to the gallery floor. But don’t worry, we’re 30 feet away — he’ll never reach us.”
  • “If you think something exciting is about to happen, you’re going to be let down.”

Victoria & Albert’s Sans Boys & Girls

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Effective January 1, Victoria & Albert’s restaurant — the only AAA+ five-diamond platinum tiara bonus gold state-fair-first-prize-winning restaurant on Walt Disney World property — no longer allows guests under the age of 10 within its gold-encrusted doors. The new policy was put in place to stop the increasingly popular practice of using the restaurant as a substitute for hotel child-care services, many of which are booked up months in advance.

“It was just too much trouble,” says Victoria Alberts, restaurant spokesperson. “Parents knew that dinner here lasts two or three hours, so they’d put Billy in a suit or throw a gown on Jane and drop them off at the restaurant so the parents could have time alone together. Dinner might cost $150, but have you seen the cost of a good sitter these days? And for an extra $50, parents could get wine parings with their kids’ meals, insuring that they’ll sleep through the night. For some vacationing parents, it was a real bargain.”

When asked what parents should do if they can’t find a sitter for their child on vacation, Alberts suggested, “They should just put their kid on a monorail or WDW bus and let them ride in circles for a few hours like everyone else does.”

Hidden Mind Control Devices

Monday, January 7th, 2008

While examining photos from his recent trip to Disneyland, famed UFO expert Heartland Digitalis made an incredible discovery — one that may have frightening implications both for those interested in social liberties and anyone who would like to put off for as long as possible a future in which individuals have their brains completely co-opted by their corporate masters. His complete, detailed, peer-reviewed report is below.


I am Heartland Digitalis, expert and self-awarded PhD. of forensic photography. Take a look at this seemingly innocuous photo taken on the new-and-improved Disneyland submarine attraction:Disneyland submarine crabs

Pretty normal, right? You can clearly see a pair of crabs fighting, bubbles, rocks, even water. Nothing too suspicious… or so you’d think!

By carefully adjusting the colors to simulate infra-red photography, we can see the attractions heat patterns. The crabs are hotter than the water around them, as expected, but the rocks below them are also hot. What sense does that make — unless the rocks contain a power source of some kind… perhaps a power source on which the crabs were placed in order to mask its heat signature!

Disneyland crabs, thermograpic representation

Given that clue, I adjusted the photograph’s levels to bring out additional detail — the same process that has been used to discover secret government space probes and other hidden objects that you are not supposed to know about.

Disneyland submarine attraction secret mind-control sphere

With the photo adjusted, we clearly see that there is some kind of gigantic sphere hanging in the water. It is either camouflaged, semi-transparent, or both, but the science-probing eye of Photoshop reveals what is clearly a high-tech mind control sphere, perhaps created with the use of alien technology captured from alien visitors at the government’s secret Area 51 research facility!

But that’s not all! By enlarging, zooming in, and brightening the photograph, we can clearly see (click to enlarge)…

Disneyland submarine fighting dinosaurs

…what can only be a tyrannosaurus rex and triceratops engaged in battle! But how can this be, since those fighting dinosaurs could only exist millions of years in the past? Clearly, the alien technology used in the mind-control device is warping space and time, making it possible for us to see into the past!

So if after riding the Finding Nemo submarine attraction you find yourself behaving in strange ways (such as wanting to pin trade) or suffering other symptoms (legs aching as if you’ve been standing for hours, even though you sat through the ride), remember that you may have been exposed to massive amounts of mind-control radiation! Seek treatment at a reputable anti-corporate deprogramming facility immediately, before you find you wallet drained and your fists filled with churros!

Block Party Bash on the Move!

Monday, January 7th, 2008

Sunday was the last day for Disney’s Block Party Bash at California Adventure. The gigantic “party on the movie” hit the road today, and will be dancing and singing its way across America to Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Florida. Performance stops will be made every half hour during the 2,500+ mile trek, so drivers on Interstate 10 can expect significant traffic congestion for the next few weeks.

After making the journey, cast members will be given two days off to rest and receive whatever treatment is necessary for exhaustion before beginning daily performances.

Playboy Photo Shoot at Disneyland?

Friday, January 4th, 2008

Could it be? Could a dozen hot, scantily clad Disney fans — the winners of Playboy’s “Hottest Women of Disney Fandom” — be descending upon the Happiest Place on Earth for a pre-opening photo shoot, with each woman photographically highlighting a different area of the park and sporting appropriately themed lingerie? Is a calendar in the works? A Playboy Channel special? A glorious coffee-table book?

Both Disney and Playboy say no. Sorry, guys!

Mickey Contacts

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

Mickey Mouse contact lensesDisney’s new line of Mickey Mouse eyewear includes these cool Mickey Mouse contact lenses (click the picture for a better view). Originally sold in Japan, they are expected to be a big hit with American teenagers, particularly those who follow the “goth” culture. The only drawback for those wearing the lenses (aside from the difficulty of having to stick a little picture of a mouse in your eye) is that only Mickey’s nose is transparent, so wearers end up with a pretty severe case of tunnel vision (known as “mousekavision”).

If these prove popular, the line of contacts will be expanded to include images of Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Malefacent, Chernabog, the magic mirror, and Michael Eisner.

End-of-the-World Bonus!

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

According to the Earth Is Doomed Web site, the world will end tomorrow. In honor of the occasion, Disney will be offering a $5 discount on multi-day park-hopper tickets. Enjoy!

Disney in the Rose Parade

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

Disney has been a long-time participant in the annual Tournament of Roses parade, which features floats, marching bands, and equestrian units completely fashioned from flowers. Fans will surely remember such past Disney entries as the Tower of Terror float (a fully functional attraction complete with a two-block-long rose-covered queue), and the Disney/MGM Studios float (which controversially featured a Wizard of OZ scene in which a house fell on Michael Eisner).

This year’s entry — Disney’s Ninja Float — surprised everyone, both because it seemed to have nothing to do with the 2008 Tournament theme (“Passport to the World’s Corporations”) and because it operated in full ninja stealth mode for its entire run. Although the float was not seen, it certainly left its mark. The Knotts Berry Farms and Dreamworks floats were both fatally wounded before the parade even started, the NBC float, working through severe injuries, barely make it through the performance, and the city of Anaheim’s float had its affordable-parade-viewing section burned to the ground.