Disney studio estimates on Sunday say that Ratatouille made some $47.2 million over its first weekend. Investor groups and entertainment industry analysts were, to say the least, horrified.
“What a horrible, horrible disappointment,” said Fred Pessimisto, a major financial industry guy. “What can you buy with $47 million these days? Diddly and squat, that’s what. They need to just pull this clunker out of theaters and make room for something that can do the job.”
“Pixar’s had its first big, gigantic, stinker,” said investment consultant Pete Holenhead. “I thought it was bad enough when Cars dragged in a pathetic $60 its first few days, but this is so, so much worse. Did anyone even go to the movies this weekend? Disney needs to get Pixar on board with those direct-to-video sequels that make guaranteed money and just ignore those Internet-fan morons who keep worrying about ‘brand quality’ and unmonitizable garbage like that.”
Wikipedia editor Barry Headinsand said, “Check out the Ratatouille reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It only got 95%! Everybody hates this film. Rats hate it. The French hate it. I hate it.”
Disney management is considering pulling the film from theaters and trying to make it more palatable to mainstream audiences. “We’d like to rename it Spaghetti or something more recognizable to Americans,” said Disney marketing manager Sylvia “Bottom Line” Artless. “And we should never have released a movie about rats in kitchens. How can you do a Happy Meal tie-in with something about that? And the movie has no fart jokes, or dogs peeing on anything — and the one vomit joke doesn’t show anything. What is this, 1937? No wonder kids hate the thing. In addition, the movie has a short before it. Nobody does shorts any more. They waste valuable theater time.