Disney Lies

Best

• Haunted Mansion: The best attraction in all of Disneyland for 5/6 of the year.
• Haunted Mansion Holiday: The best attraction in all of Disneyland for 1/6 of the year.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Okay, this one’s pretty good, too. It’d be better with some ghosts, though.

Worst

• Ducks: You finally get your toddler to notice the ducks, and some cast member asks you not to throw bread to them (the ducks, not the cast members).
• Blue Bayou Restaurant: You wait an hour for a table by the water, and then they won’t let you throw rolls at the boats.
• Club 33: You wait for years to get membership, spend thousands of dollars to get in, and then there’s an extra charge for throwing rolls at the guests below.
• Fantasmic!: You have to sit on the ground for three hours to get a good spot, and then when the show finally starts some idiot up on a balcony throws a roll at the back of your head.

Best

• Storybook Land Canal Boats: One of the few places where you can ride a boat through a hollow, mutilated whale.
• Mad Tea Party: Go on it just after eating (as recommended in the best-selling The Disneyland Diet).
• Dumbo the Flying Elephant: Remember the motto — “If you’re under eight, it’s worth the wait!”

Worst

• “it’s a small world”: It’s almost impossible to write the name of this attraction and get both the capitalization and punctuation correct. Don’t even get us started on trying to spell Pinocchio.
• “it’s a small world”: All those kids are horrible examples for today’s children. Always playing; never in school — seriously, where are their parents?
• “it’s a small world”: The song. The horrible, horrible song. Rumor has it that its author was inspired by a fit of madness induced by repeated readings of Poe’s poem “The Bells.”

Best

• Enchanted Tiki Room: It’s got pineapple snacks for sale, a floor show, a bathroom, and its own weather. Why would you ever need to leave?
• Bengal Barbecue: Try the tender, juicy, Tiki Bird Stick.
• Indiana Jones Adventure: An awesome ride for people who have absolutely no pre-existing medical conditions whatsoever.
• Restrooms: There are three restrooms within 40 feet of each other. It’s like Christmas!
• Jungle Cruise: You can imagine the spiel over and over in your head and never get sick of those silly jokes!

Worst

• Jungle Cruise: I’ve got the spiel stuck in my head and feel like if I hear about the back side of water one more time I might flip out and take a skipper’s life (if I can just catch him without that hippo gun).
• Tree with a little man living in it: I’ve looked and looked and can’t find the darned thing anywhere.
• Tarzan’s Treehouse: Why isn’t he ever home? And what did he do with the Robinsons??

Best

• Candy canes: During the holidays, the candy store makes fresh candy canes (not for use as a medical device) while you watch.
• The Disneyland Story featuring Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln: Don’t forget to clap and sing along with “Two Brothers”!
• Main Street Cinema: The only place where you can kill an afternoon watching “Plane Crazy” on an endless loop with the sound off.
• Partners statue: It’s beautiful and inspirational (but it would have been nice if they’d spent a few more dollars and made it in color).
• Esmeralda: The fortune-telling robot machine. Last time we were there, our fortune read, “You will experience long lines and have paid for the privilege of standing in them.” Spooky!

Worst

• City Hall: Having to stand in line behind a crowd of people who claim they deserve a birthday sticker even though it’s your birthday.
• Horse-drawn trolley: No matter how hard you beg, they won’t let you ride the horse.
• Main Street Cone Shop: Who the heck wants to buy a cone?
• Refreshment Corner: They sell hot dogs, chili, and Coke, but not all in one glass. Seriously folks — get with the times!
• Locker rental: Even the biggest locker is barely large enough to store a whining child.

Best

• Entrance: Enter through the left-hand tunnel and snicker about the ignorant buffoons who chose the right-hand tunnel.
• Snow: At Christmas time, if you stand in just the right place, you can watch the snow fall and get a shampoo at the same time.
• Churros: They’re a food group all by themselves.
• Walk in Walt’s Footsteps Tour: It’s so cool to be able to borrow a pair of Walt Disney’s shoes, even just for a few hours.
• Cast members: By far the greatest bunch of people who have ever managed to keep a smile on their face while you tell them what some kid just threw up on.

Worst

• Parking: It used to have its own parking lot and you could walk right up to the entrance. Now, if you try and park near the entrance, people freak out and call SWAT.
• Mickey’s Toontown: There are rumors that those aren’t real mountains.
• Disneyland Railroad dinosaur diorama: Why the scientifically inaccurate animatronic dinosaurs instead of some of those neat cloned ones from Jurassic Park?
• Identity theft: The people just inside the entrance who want to scan your ticket and ask for your Zip code are fine, but the ones who want to scan your driver’s license and get you to help their rich uncle get his wealth out of Nigeria make us twitchy.
• Walt’s apartment: It’s almost as if it’s there just to taunt Disneyland fans who want to say they’ve been everywhere in the park, but know you can’t get to it without the ability to climb a brass poll while carrying a power saw.